Perilous any lady that beseechest her lover
to tattoo the codpiece or pierce his man cluster

Five terrible fake Morrissey songs

1. Bachelor in a Casserole
2. The Swirling Clergyman’s Lament
3. St. Sebastian’s Disused Quiver
4. Dolorous Dolores
5. Gracious Knows These Trousers Bind

Five things I’ll bet can be hard for pirates

1. getting decent disability insurance
2. rum allergies
3. sexual harassment from that fancy new bosun
4. irritable bowel syndrome
5. finding one-legged pants that won’t make your hips look too broad

Five things you did while MySpace was down

1. repeatedly checked progress of floppy emo forelock
2. wrote lengthy longhand list of “friends”; “de-friended” each by means of vigorous horizontal pen strokes
3. idly doodled “Dr. and Mrs. Good Charlotte” in margins of your Consumer Math book
4. cutting — again with the cutting
5. imagined own funeral (and how sad and sorry everyone will be)

Why?
...because, the oft dropped third verse really makes the song make sense
...because Gray's voice has a beautiful emotive quality to it
...because the melody is in a rather compressed vocal range, yet still seems to soar
Listen:
...to the lyric, "Let go your heart, let go your head, and feel it now" -- one of my favorite descriptions of breaking through an emotional wall

Why?
...because I love the transition from the initial brooding lyric to the liberated body of the song
...because the chorus is so hooky, it should be illegal
...because there's some great lyrical imagery to unravel: we fell into the sun? What?
Listen:
...to one of the best songwriters in the history of Rock and Roll stretching out a bit

Why?
...because you may have limited (read: Novocaine for the Soul) experience with Eels, and, in that case, you're really missing out
...because E carries a tune well while still sounding like somebody took a belt sander to his vocal cords
...because too few people sing about freaks without sounding like, say, Marilyn Manson
Listen:
...to the awesome juxtaposition of simple, traditional-style melody and lyrics with a message of acceptance of the bizarre

Why?
...because I'm sick of hearing about people who "listen to everything except country and rap," or who think that country only means Shania Twain and/or that jackass who sings about putting a boot in the ass of foreign powers
...because Rich was a great, but terribly flawed, non-conformist in an age when country music was not very tolerant of differences
...because Rich always sounds like he means exactly what he's saying; if I were to choose a second version of America the Beautiful to push, it would be his
Listen:
...to the soft touch of The Silver Fox on the piano -- classic country keyboarding

Why?
...because, outside of Particle Man, this was the first TMBG song I ever heard, I think
...because knowing it may save your ass in The Sorceress' Tower should you ever play Kingdom of Loathing
...because it's TMBG in a nutshell; if you don't like Ana Ng, you're probably not going to like anything else they do
Listen:
...to the cryptic, circular lyrics -- who was at the DuPont Pavillion? Why was the bench still warm? Who had been there?

Why?
...because it was "the song" at my wedding
...because John Denver is (extremely) unfairly dismissed by a large number of people as 70s schlock
...because Denver's melodies work with their lyrics better than just about anybody else's -- the two almost always feel part and parcel, indistinct
Listen:
...to one of the purest songs about love ever written

Why?
...because it has that classic guitar line
...because as uncofortable as the lyrics are, they're also wonderfully evocative
...because dynamics are important, damn it, and Tull seem to actually get that
Listen:
...to the transitions between themes; the song is unexpectedly complex for a radio hit

Why?
...because if I don't point it out, who will?
...because The Magnetic Fields' harmonies are always gorgeously twisting
...because it's not even two minutes long -- if you don't like it, no harm, no foul
Listen:
...to all of these songs again. Maybe twice. :)

Why?
...because I was wrong to write-off Green Day so quickly, lo, the many years ago
...because it has that great speed-hook, if you'll allow the term
...because it would be great fun to play in Guitar Hero
Listen:
...to a track off of today's generation's Tommy

Why?
...because I promise (threaten!) that there will be less Simon & Garfunkel in future lists, so you should get your fill now
...because I can't think of another writer who could write so wrenchingly about pilgrims
...because it's as meaningful today as it was when it was composed
Listen:
...to the great key change at the end of each verse

Why?
...because if you don't know Rice yet, you're totally missing out
...because the string arrangement is gorgeous
...because Rice's voice sounds alternately so fragile and so powerful, so effortlessly
Listen:
...to the way the harmonies slowly fill in as the song progresses, taking us from sparse to lush

Why?
...because every song on this list isn't a tear-jerker
...because Reed honestly sounds like he's having the time of his life in every song he performs
...because the lyrics are so delightfully absurd
Listen:
...to the guitar style -- nobody sounds like Jerry Reed

• The texture
• The smell
• The color
• The name

• Nothing

Why?
...because the seven-time in the verse is wonderfully unobtrusive (and catchy!)
...because it makes me think of The Prisoner
...because it's true
Listen:
...to the horn section go freakin' nuts, along with Paul, who apparently forgets what song they're doing ;)

Why?
...because the trees, rivers and flowers need a voice too
...because nobody did environmental songs like Denver, and it's a tragedy that many of them didn't get listened to during his final years
...because it's got a simple structure, yet it builds into a thundering climax
Listen:
...to the awesome recorder solos -- yeah, that's right, recorder solos

Why?
...because it's the heart of the Bookends album, and that album tends to get unfairly overlooked
...because the final verse is *perfect*
...because we're all lost, sometimes, even when we know exactly where we are
Listen:
...to the instrumentation, and dynamics, and intonation, and... well, everything

Why?
...because it's the best rendition of the song ever recorded
...because Ray's voice was a national treasure, and it was clear that he meant every word he sang
...because if you only think of Diet Pepsi and lottery commercials when you think of Ray Charles, then you're missing out, something fierce
Listen:
...to the skillful arrangement -- by beginning with the third verse, Ray keeps the better known lyrics close to his vest until we're fully engaged

Why?
...because sometimes it doesn't take a cover to prove just how good a song can be, even if said cover is excellent
...because each person's interpretation of lyrics is different, but each is correct for that listener
...because not knowing this song is the musical equivalent of not having seen Casablanca, or not having read... er... something worthwhile
Listen:
...to the two primary characters' dialog, especially as a foreshadowing of the final verse

Why?
...because Joel is misrepresented by many as overrated kitsch
...because the Glass Houses album was an incredible high-water mark in Joel's oeuvre
...because angst doesn't have to be emo
Listen:
...to that stellar piano line in the intro and coda

Why?
...because this is the song that took Toad from college-radio to sold-out shows
...because "Nothing's so loud as hearing when we lie / Truth is not kind, and you said neither am I" is a great opening-line hook
...because it can serve you well as a gateway to the rest of Toad's catalog, if you're unfortunate enough to not already own it
Listen:
...to a definitive sample of Toad-style harmony

Why?
...because, let's face it, somebody had to say it
...because the piano alone is worth the price of admission
...because this song grabbed me by the neck (and shook) the very first time I heard it
Listen:
...to a beautifully concise statement of my philosophies of humanity

Why?
...because sometimes it takes a cover to prove just how good a song can be
...because the transition from lo-fi is beautifully unexpected, even when you know it's coming
...because I can tell a Postal Service tune from 100 paces, and that's a good thing

Listen:
...to the way a change in instrumentation and syncopation can move us from saccharine to heart-felt

Why?
...because "Glad you made it; welcome to the farm / Who's your daddy? I'm your daddy now" is a freakily catchy first line
...because it showcases Brian Rosenworcel's drumming
...because it ends with ping-pong

Listen:
...to the way the song ultimately builds into a disorienting disintegration

Why?
...because a song about time and space has never sounded so good
...because the "big hand's on 120 / little hand's on E" -- awesome
...because it's about NyQuil, dude!

Listen:
...and bounce up and down, as you should during any good TMBG song

Why?
...because Ben Folds does isolation and alienation better than most
...because every Ben Folds Five song has a deeper meaning, if you pay attention
...because it gives me chills, and I'm the one making the list

Listen:
...to any Ben Folds album, in its entirety, when this song is finished

Why?
...because musical poetry that doesn't suck is quite rare
...because Bob Dylan's composition meets its perfect mate in Brickell's strong, raw vocals
...because every line is a symbolic masterpiece, waiting to be unravelled

Listen:
...to this song and Simon & Garfunkel's The Sounds of Silence back to back

Why?
...because BtE still exists, damnit
...because the imagery is overpoweringly vivid
...because the hook is well-crafted and anthemic

Listen:
...to the dynamic shifts, and how well they serve the theme

Why?
...because it's worth remembering that Tori knows how to write simple, hooky songs
...because the radio version is cruelly chopped, and sacrifices the effectiveness of the bridge
...because we've all felt a dream dissolve

Listen:
...to the way the spare backing vocals entwine about the lead

Why?
...because few songs can manage a reference to Vestal Virgins with a straight face
...because, for me, it always conjures images of The Canterbury Tales, and that's pretty impressive
...because if you're going to listen to a song with "White" in the title, it should be this one, and not Nights in White Satin

Listen:
...to one of the best meandering organ lines this side of The Band

I got a call from my broker: The broker informed me I'm broke.

[That] isn't hard to believe after the "Capeman" fiasco.

It is clear to me that the humanities are not going to emerge from the jungle on their own. I think that the task of outreach is left to those of us who retain some connection, however tenuous, to what we laughingly call reality. We have to go into the jungle after them and rescue what we can. Just remember to hang on to your sense of humor and don't let them intimidate you.

It's been a while. How long? *click* *wait* Over four months, that's how long. What have I been doing?

1. I am no longer employed by that company which no longer employs me.


2. I am now employed by a company at which I have procured employment.


3. Uh, I totally moved a while back. Like six months ago. Like, before I stopped updating. Like, sorry.


4. I bought a new car. Mine was, as the kids say, "shitting the bed."


5. I was in Florida in January. That was nice.


6. I was working part time in the five and dime. The boss was Mister McGee.


7. Not really -- that last item is really a song lyric. But I like the song.


8. I've got characters on Asheron's Call and Dungeons and Dragons Online. Want to play? Ping me.